Diana Kurniawan

June 1, 2010

 

To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,

 

Today was the full day of summer I waited for, Seth. It took a while since the last time I wrote to myself (but fictionally to you, get it?). Anywho, Seth, I'm moving on. The trauma from Jack took a toll on my sleep. I had to move on. My heart must go on, because I have nightmares and it's not healthy. The PTSD and my bipolar depression really hurts me, Seth. I'm crying all the time and deep inside my heart I knew Jack was probably playing basketball. I don't have any evidence of it, just like the rape, but I know deep down inside he's in a park somewhere while I'm here in The Covenant House but no one was supposed to know.

 

What do you think I need to do, Seth. I hope I took the right steps in making this move to go on with my life, and decided to forget about the whole thing and just live on making my dreams come true. To be a writer, and to make it big. I don't know how yet, but I'm taking everything Joey adviced me to heart, and yes, also with the things that Sister McGeady told me. 

 

I walked to the park this past weekend and I went with Joey. Just between you and me, no one has ever talked to me. They always lurked from the corner of their eyes with sneers and judgements because I'm poor and my Dad drinks more alcohol than a bodega drunkard. I'm not sorry that I talked to Joey all the time. I think it's healthy, more than the love I kept for Jack, because he gave me nightmares. Seth, I'm moving on from Jack and if you're somehow telepathic and knew what I'm writing, please pray for me to keep it real and to keep going.

 

I went through a lot on my own, and especially with my Dad. I unbelievably pray now, and I didn't use to pray but I do now. I think it's the fears from the PTSD and Depression that made me want to be closer to something truthful and all powerful. Do you blame me? 

 

Joey told me all the time to pray and I listened to him. I don't usually listen to any guy unless he has a six-pack abs, and a gorgeous face, but I listened to Joey. Jack's pretty face means nothing to me now. I realized that his pretty faces led to pretty lies, but nothing will help me if I fall for more lies. It would be a harder fall from believing in God. I think it's a hard choice I must bear all of my life, and to listen to the words of Sister McGeady, but I will choose her over Jack. I will choose my own heart and choose Joey's friendship than suicide. 

 

If one day we meet, Seth, please hug me and congratulate me, because you must know deep down in your soul that there is a fan somewhere, somehow, someone who loves you unconditionally all throughout your life and your years of not making it to making it HUGE. You're the HUGE SOMETHING, and I'm sure you know how big you are.

 

You're global, Seth, and I'm in a New York homeless shelter. I'm a rescue mission to some, but to you, invisibly a friend, and to myself, a rock formation. I'm solidifying, Seth. I'm moving on, listening to words of truth, and no more lies.

 

Here is my heart, truthfully yours,

WishesOoohWishes.

 

 

May 21, 2010

 

To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,

 

The world is raining, Seth, and the sun is not coming out soon, but I know it's there. Like my future, Seth, it seems bleak but I know it's there. I won't think much although I do, and I'm sad to admit, and full of regrets, but I can say that I'm alright right now, this moment, it is itself, enough and for me, no one else. 

 

I went outside about an hour ago and I should have washed my hair and brought shampoo with the rain pouring, but I didn't. It would have been smarter, instead I cried. I looked up letting the rain drop wet my face, and my tears felt warm rolling down slower on my face. I thought about being a writer, and I didn't know a thing. What the hell was I supposed to do, Sethy? I never had a single English class, except for those classes in high school, and you know I dropped out, right. How? By what force? Who's going to tell me how to do this? What the heck am I doing? 

 

I knew how to have sex better than write, that's a fucking truth, Seth. I knew how to make love to Jack and got pregnant then ran away like a loser, but the important stuff....I'm totally shitty with it. I'm all talk. I don't know how to do anything. Feeling stupid right now. I don't know what books to read, what am I supposed to do now? Just pick up a book and say I'm going to be a writer? I'm writing nonsense, my grammar is shitty, and I'm crazy about some guy (you) who doesn't even know I'm alive and the worst of it is....he's a celebrity. I wish you were some computer science geek at GE or something, then you can at least give me discounts on fridges and microwaves. But this....I'm writing nonsense, talking to myself, writing shit, thinking shit, crazy shit like I'm supposed to be a world class writer and such. Who the hell will give me props for believing in myself? I think God is surprised, and you know nothing surprises that guy.

 

So I kept thinking about it and I talked to Joey, and he said, "Well.....one step at a time. You can think it over and try to go to college or something. Isn't that the right step?"

 

"Yeah, I'm going to do that, from New Jersey Community College, and get some big time publisher or agent.....yeah....that sounds reasonable, right Joey?" I said and asked at the same time.

 

"Uh-huh....I think so, right? Does that make you feel good or bad? Tell me," he asked.

 

"HHmmm.....it's okay but I'm not convinced you think I can do it," I told him.

 

"Well....," Joey said, with his eyes scrunched, and he definitely looked stressed. I made Joey stress out, Seth. What kind of friend stresses you out and makes you cry all the time? I'm so sorry for Joey sometimes, but I desperately need him. He walked away for a minute and I had no idea where he went. After five minutes, I was still sitting there, and he came back with an old 1980's walk-man, and it had some kind of tape inside.

 

"This is the only thing I got at the Goodwill store, and I swear to God, it's magic," said Joey.

 

Inside was a tape, and I think it looks like a battery operated walk-man, and I couldn't help it but laughed out loud, "What the hell is this thing? Walk-man, 80's tape deck, and who's in this tape?"

 

"Just listen to it," said Joey.

 

"Is it Madonna?" I asked. Gotta say, I love her.

 

"Nope....just listen," said Joey.

 

I took the headphones with some spongy thingy on the earmuffs stuff. Joey pushed play I think, or some kind of button, and the music came on, "Who is this chick, Joey?"

 

"Janis!" said Joey. "She was an old rock star, but don't blame me for her druggie addiction. I didn't do it," said Joey. "But she's great!"

I listened to her smoky voice and said,"Raise your hand," and I looked to Joey, "and what does that allegorically represent, Joey?"

 

"You gotta start from the bottom, ask questions, get your answers from experts, go to find resources....like the way you're doing now. It's possible," said Joey. "I gotta go pee, I think."

 

I listened to her some more and my head bopped...I like Janis, but with the voice I hear on my ear, she's probably a really tall lady with an electric guitar and dreds. I don't know who this Janis person is, Seth. But, I listened to her whole album and her voice took me to my room, and I sat on my bed as I start to write down next steps. 

 

Either Joey or Janis, they're angels. 

 

I love you, Seth, 

WishesOoohWishes.