March 1, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
Jack and I did it again, and this time, it was at school.
We had lunch and went to the farthest side of the football field, next to the bleachers and we did it. He said he used a condom, and I trust him. He always has a pack of it inside his bag. His appetite for sex is beyond my control. I can't seem to know when he wants to have it, but I just let him because I don't want to see him go away. It's the last thing I want in my life right now, because if Jack goes, I will have no one to love me. Dad is in love with Brenda and I don't really know anyone else in town.
Mabel is a frenemy I think. She seems nice, but she likes Jack too much. I always hold Jack's hand tightly, especially with Mabel around, because I don't want to let him go, and sex is our bridge to each other.
It was nice that day we did it in the football field. It was cold and the snow flakes landed on my nose, so the heat in between us kept us warm. We have this thing that he holds my chest tight and he kisses me as we have sex. It feels intense and I love every minute of it. Jack is happy with me, I hope.
I think he's the best thing that ever happened in my life.
"It's okay to experiment at our age," he often tells me, and it makes me feel so much better. First, because he's with me, and second, because it's our little secret.
He is tender afterwards, and he caresses my cheeks and holds me tight. He says that I am his first love, and he is mine. I don't ever want to lose him. It will be the end of my life.
If Dad is gone, as I sometimes feel like it might happen, I will try to survive, but if Jack is gone, I'm in deep trouble. Dad is not there all the time, so I'm used to it, and I figure, I can live with Jack's family. I know his family loves me.
Seth, if you meet me, I am taken by Jack. Also, I know you have a girlfriend, at least that's the rumor around school. All the SNL fans talk about it. We have a comedy club at school and we talk about SNL all the time, and although I'm not in it, I hear their gossip. Mabel tells me that they analyze the skits since Dan Akroyd and even when Eddie Murphy was on. We all remembered how to not look po nub in all the wrong places, looking po nub.
Jack also loves you and he loves SNL, and he says that you're lucky. But, I feel lucky because of Jack.
Lucky girl,
WishesOoohWishes
March 6, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
Today, you gave my sadness a piece of cheese to smile about, and that sorrow ran away like a pansy.
Dad and Brenda are at it again. They had sex last night, and I heard them from my room. She has been coming over to our house more often, and she cooked us dinner after I came home from work.
I ate lobster and rotini, and it was delicious, but I was nervous because I think I might have a new mother. Brenda is nice to my Dad and he loves her, I think.
Dad doesn't drink that much anymore, and they told me that they met through some group that Target sponsored him to go to so he can keep his job. His friend Sam doesn't come anymore because I think Dad mentioned something about Knights of the Columbus group that Sam belongs to. Sam is a good guy, and he had a bad divorce, but my Dad said that his heart was Irish Catholic.
I escape inside my room, and write to you. You don't have to be here, and you are only near me through a picture, but even that picture makes me forget about my stresses that wavers in my mind. It might be because of those trancing eyes of yours, even if it wasn't blue, that would make any girl fall in love with you.
Jack hasn't called me for a couple days, and it's okay because I know he's in love with me. He must be busy with Abby or with his parents but I don't mind, because we see each other during school and I'm busy with work after school. My biggest fear is Jack cheating on me, because I'm the easiest person to cheat on, and that's what my Dad told me. But, Dad never cheated on Mom, because it was Mom who wanted to leave us. So, Jack better not leave me or I'm going to be so sad.
To keep my mind off of those fears and stresses, I write to you, Seth, and it is so amazing to have you in my mind. My vision is of you and me, meditating on the sand near an ocean, while the breeze eases our souls and remedies my life with your healing presence by my side.
Everything is so peaceful and calm with you near me, as the ocean waves serenades you and me, to bring forward that peace of mind. This is how I think of you, not as a meditation partner, but as the helper of my soul.
I enjoy every letter I write, because they help me focus on the reality of everything around me through simple writing of stress relief of love to you. I just love you, Seth Meyers, and it is undeniably true that I may be your most loveable fan you will ever have! That's in comparison to everyone in the world, from Australia to Brazil, or from Sweden to Japan, I am most likely, your favorite fan! It is endearing isn't? To be loved for your skills, your work, and who you are, that in itself is a reflection of how beautiful I am.
I love moments of random visions of you, and I don't care what people say about me and my state of mind. Who are they to judge? I am sure they love someone, or maybe don't have the courage to stand up for themselves and become a totally random individual who just love!
I do worry about my own life too sometimes, because all I think about is you, and how much I love Saturday Night Live, but I am confident that Jack won't mind. I do watch other shows and I do love other celebrities, but your picture calms my soul, that's when I knew you are my favorite!
I love you, Seth Meyers, and it won't change, even 40 years from now.
Eternal Flame,
WishesOoohWishes
March 7, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
Dad smiles now. I never saw him smile before, not even growing up. He was always so tired and when he worked at the car factory, he was always so serious. Mom never smiled either, and she was always so sad and cried most of her days. I don't know what happened to her now, she never writes us any letters and we don't know where she is. She disappeared.
Brenda is the person who is giving my Dad some smiles. I guess that's great, and I'm happy for him, and I don't want to see anything wrong again. I would rather have Brenda than Sam, because Sam is bad influence and he brings too much alcohol into our home.
Brenda doesn't drink, and she said she's been sober for twenty years. She looks like she's in her forties, so that's a very long time. Dad is only 47 years old, but he looks older. I hope Brenda will get him to exercise and they can start going out more and more.
Jack still hasn't called. I'm starting to worry. The last time I saw him was Friday, after we had sex at the bleachers, and today is Sunday, but he hasn't called. I don't know what I did wrong. I will try to call him tonight after work. I hope it's nothing major.
I love you, Seth, but I love Jack more because we did it. If you and I were a couple, we would be arrested for our age difference, but Jack is perfect. He's tall with curly brunette hair, and grey eyes. From a far, he looks like a lone wolf, but he's my lone wolf. He's absolutely beautiful and he has large deep set eyes and mesmerizing smile. His lips are supple and thick, enveloping all of mine, and he has smooth taupe skin with broad shoulders and a beautiful oval face. He's perfection.
If I never met Jack, my life would be empty. I won't have anyone to confide in, and I tell him everything but I don't tell him about you. You're my secret, and these letters are my secrets. These letters are my true feelings, desires, my relief and my comfort. I write them all to you, my SNL hero. If you didn't exist, Sethy, I would be empty, too, but I won't think that way, because it's not real and I have to stick to reality of Jack and me, and WHY HASN'T HE CALLED?!
Confused,
WishesOoohWishes
March 9, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
I dreamt of you last night, and we were walking in New York City. I think we are definitely supposed to meet, because I've had the same recurring dream for a while now, and it's starting to affect my sleep. I think it's either because I miss you or I keep watching the webcast once too many times during the week.
I think the real reason is because the good spirits from above are in love with the idea of you and me in New York City. In this dream, we were at Gray's Papaya, and we both got the largest Papaya juice cup in the world. We couldn't finish the drink, so we just held the cup in our hands, and walked the city together.
We stopped near a shoe shiner, and I pulled out my harmonica that was suddenly in my pocket, and started to sing a song I wrote especially for you on G major. "Ohhhhhh, Seth Meyers!"
The verse repeats twice then ended with a riff in falsetto. The shoe shiner's son tap danced to my voice, and the shoe shiner clapped his hands and told me, "Don't kiss him if this is your first date."
We smiled, and you told me, "I think you are the cutest girl I've ever met." I wanted to grab your hand, and just give you a hug, but it would have been too forward for a first date with my heor, so I held the papaya juice cup instead.
Then we went inside a Chinese variety store, and for some reason, I asked the store keeper about sweeping you off your feet, because I have to make sure you will remember me in the dream.
I asked the store keeper, "I want him to know, that I am the sweetest girl he will ever meet. What should I do?"
The store keeper replied, "Just feed him, but don't sing to him, because you're tone deaf."
Then, the store keeper gave me a little rooster and told me, "I give one for you, and one for Sexy boyfriend." Immediately, I just had to get out of the store, for fear he will try to set you up with his daughter!
As we walked out of the store, you opened the door for me and told me, "It's my job to sweep you off your feet." I almost cried, and looked at you the same way I would when I see a mountain turtle. Afterwards, I handed you one of the rooster charm from the store keeper, and we walked to the next store in New York City. Then I woke up, revived, loving you, and wishing for Gray's Papaya juice.
Now, I wonder if we would ever meet, and if you would ever notice me.
I trust and believe, that some forces beyond my control is holding me gently, and loving me. Heaven knows, how much love I have in my heart for you, and love will never go unnoticed. I write these love letters out of respect of that love, and I know you would respect me, for loving you in the most peculiar way.
Maybe one day, I will be the most perfect dream for you, and maybe deep down inside, you love Gray's Papaya juice. If somehow these letters escaped from under my bed and landed in cyberspace, please know that I love you. I think you are the most amazing star I would like to meet, and I think you are forever gorgeous, Seth Meyers!
I hope one day we can go to Gray's Papaya, and order their papaya juice in the largest yellow plastic cup in the world, and walk in the city while holding hands.
That was a great dream, and I'm sticking to it!
Ohhhhhh, Seth Meyers! I love you!
WishesOoohWishes
March 10, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
I called him. I wasn't supposed to, because the guy was always the one who has to call the girl after sex.
At the bleachers, Sethy! I got hurt. I wasn't supposed to. It was just a gossip, and it was supposed to be romantic, but now he hasn't called and I'm screwed. If he breaks it off, then the rumors of him being a player was true. I got hurt, Sethy. What in the world was I supposed to do?
I watched SNL this past weekend and it didn't help. You talked about how worms mated in the night and it was a one-night stand. Then you were with Ben Affleck in a crazy skit and you both started to kiss each other, but those crazy antics all didn't help.
I cried all night and couldn't breathe properly. My mental illness flared up, too. I was just slumping down and it I couldn't do anything about it. What will I do now at school? Everyone will laugh at me. I got hurt, Sethy.
He hasn't called. I got hurt!
I wish you could help me,
WishesOoohWishes.
March 11, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
I talked to no one at school today. No one looked at me in the eyes at school. They dodged me, each one of them. Mabel said she couldn't talk and she had so much homework that she couldn't spend anytime with me. I didn't do any of mine and everyone at the lunch table helped me do it. There was Sean, Derek and Benjamin, and Annette and Alexis and Nga. They each gave me the answers to the Trigonometry homework.
I won't know if my grades will make it this year, and I was planning to go to the Community College anyway. I didn't want to stress myself out.
I remembered you said that in Florida, shit happened all the time? That news in Florida was like news from outer space? That's what my life felt like right now. It's crazy and shitty, and slimy, putrid, green pukey and I hated it.
All the kids didn't look me in the eyes, and that meant something was wrong. I needed to know.
Shit will go down in my life, and you're the only hope,
WishesOoohWishes
March 12, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
Sethy! Jack screwed me over.
I cornered Mabel near the lockers after school. I walked from behind her and steered myself closer to her shoulders, and just kept pushing her to the lockers with this whole body. All 140 pounds of soft flesh, cornering her to the edge of the lockers as she flailed her arms trying to fend off the wall on the other side. She lost, and couldn't beat me or the wall, so she put her back to the lockers and I kept edging with my shoulders.
"What is going on? I know you know. What was whirling in the crowd?" I asked her.
"Nothing is swirling. No hot chocolate, nothing. Just me. I don't know anything," Mabel said.
"Why is everyone ignoring me? I didn't do anything wrong. Jack hasn't called and not a soul wanted to speak to me. Tell me the truth," I said to her.
Mabel looked down to her measly sweater and I pushed her stomach in with my fist. She squirmed and finally said, "Okay! Okay! Okay!"
"Tell me!" I yelled at her face.
"Everyone knows you had sex with Jack behind the bleachers. Some kids saw you, and the whole school thinks you're a slut!" Mabel said. "You asked for it!"
I stepped back. I couldn't stop the tears from falling and Mabel held my arms, she said, "Don't….not in front of everyone. Get out of the hallway."
We walked to the bathroom, and got into the stalls, and she told me, "Jack bragged to the guys that your vagina was soft and tight. They smiled and got happy and Jack said you were hot."
I sobbed. She told me the truth, and I was really hurt inside, my soul cracked and I felt it in my gut that my life was over. I couldn't get out of the bathroom and wanted to stay in the stalls with Mabel.
"Did you do it?" Mabel asked me.
I breathed in, and broke the silence that held me. I tried to say, No, but couldn't.
"Yes," I told her, then closed my face with my palms and sobbed.
Mabel wasn't impressed. She looked to the toilet, and inhaled a big breath in. Thank goodness no one else was there. It was in between classes and my History class was for the birds.
"I didn't know Jack would do this to me," I said, in between breaths. "He told me he loved me. And that it was between us."
"They all say "I love you," said Mabel "They all just want some."
"But, I met his parents and they took me to Breckenridge," I told Mabel.
Mabel held my arms down from my face, and breathed in and looked at me. I followed her breathing, and calmed myself down.
Mabel cried with me. We held each other's arms and cried.
"What's your plan?" Mabel asked.
"Nothing," I said.
"You have to have a plan," said Mabel.
"Shit. Nada, nothing, null. I'm screwed over," I said. "When did you find out?"
"A week ago," said Mabel.
"A week ago? We just had sex a week ago? He talked loud," I said. "That means he did it after we had sex."
I wiped my tears, and my snot. Mabel took some toilet paper and gave it to me. I took it and blew my nose as loud as possible. I hated my life. I hated Jack.
I couldn't stop crying. Mabel said, "I need to go to class. I won't be able to get into NYU if I skipped Calc."
She always wanted to go to NYU, but I just wanted to go stay alive.
She left me in the stalls, sobbing. I took some more tissues, and walked out sometime later. I went to the school office and told the admin-lady, "I'm sick. I need to go to the doctor. I have to go."
The admin-lady tried to stop me and said something about a permit and a signature from my teacher and the principal, but I crossed her and walked out.
I walked home, a few miles away, and wrote this to you.
My life is over, Sethy. Don't know what to do,
WishesOoohWishes.
March 13, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
I didn't do anything. I stayed home. Dad knocked on the door, and told me to wake up. It was noon, and I didn't want to get out of bed. He said, "You still have to pass your class to go to Community College."
I didn't care. I was supposed to graduate soon. I didn't know when, sometime in the Summer. Who cares.
"Mary, you have to make sure you can survive this world without me," Dad said. "I'm not going to be here forever."
I didn't answer him. I pulled my blanket over me, and closed my eyes, then grabbed my pen and wrote to you, Seth. You're my inspiration. I ignored Dad, and kept closing my eyes until words appear in my vision, and wrote them down.
In my vision, hope jumbled down to oblivion, and around it were thorns of roses, but it was silver steel sharp and it surrounded me. The thorns from the roses pricked my skin all over my body, and it wrapped itself around me piercing through. Blood spurted out of my skin, bleeding me down to the Earth.
I felt a darkness inside my blood and it ran through inside my heart and it depleted my energy. My head thrown back and my eyes rolled back as it took my energy, this dark spirit, and I wilted down to the Earth and laid bare in my jeans and shirt all bloodied and sopped.
I didn't tell Dad, and I told no one else but you. I loved your face, Sethy, and I loved your whole being. I knew you wouldn't do any harm towards me the moment I saw you on television. I knew you would be my anchor, aside from Weekend Update.
I knew you would be my hero, from a far land of New York, even if New Jersey was next door. I've never been to New York. All of my life, I was with Mom and Dad and when Mom left, all of my desires went with her. Dad kept knocking on the door and asking me, "Please get up, honey. I don't want you to skip school tomorrow. Can you please get up?"
I ignored him.
I think I will ignore the world, because the world ignored me.
Yeah! That's my revolt! I'm throwing a protest.
I'm hating it,
WishesOoohWishes.
March 14, 2010
To the Forever Gorgeous Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live,
T-Bell was brutal. There were tacos with my tears in it, and burritos with no salsa. I didn't know what to do. I just kept holding the line, and placing every order as it said on the printer. I almost burned myself on the heating block and there might be a burrito with two layers of tortilla. I didn't tell anyone that I was depressed. I kept on.
Sethy, you would be proud of me, I didn't drink soda. I might have cried the whole six hours I was at work, but I didn't drink a sip of Diet Coke, my usual vice. I was offered Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Mountain Dew, that orange stuff, and the tea, but nope….I said I was drinking water. My body craved it.
The probability of me graduating was slim, because I didn't pay attention to class at all since I was with Jack. He took all of my attention and all I wanted was to hear from him this week, especially after we had sex at the bleachers. The least he could do was call me to say everyone didn't find out, and that he kept our moment to ourselves and everything Mabel said was speculations, rumors, gossip, unproven theory. Then everything would be fine and back to normal.
Next order was nachos, and I piled on the beef and queso, because someone would be happy at the other end. My manager said I was pleasing him, so I kept piling on the queso for each order, even when it didn't call for it. Everyone loves cheese, why waste melted gold?
It worked for a while, but I kept thinking about Jack and how hot he was. His perfect nose, his curly brown hair and how gentle he was when he made love to me. This whole ordeal felt surreal, and the whole rumors and gossips at school felt outer space. It didn't fit Jack's personality. Would he brag about this? Or did someone saw us? Mabel did say someone saw us, but why brag about it to other kids.
Something was wrong, I have to talk to Jack,
WishesOoohWishes.