Diana Kurniawan

Sometimes my life hurts when I think about it too much, this time schadenfreude. 

 

I bought a Honeypot maxi pads and placed it inside my bag and stowed it away at work inside my bag, where I thought it was safe for the time being, as I pulled one pad for myself during my period. When I came back to go home from finishing my shift, it was gone. Another time, I got an Ice Tea from Starbucks and placed it on the restroom counter for a minute while I go pee, and when I came out of the stall, one of the coworkers who were there took it and left. I felt hurt inside my heart.

 

Some people at work have been asking about my last name and I begin to become anxious and worried about what they need it for. I'm worried they stalk me on the internet to find this blog or my social media and the things about me out there in the open. To try to find out about my family, my associations, my books, and would use it against me.

 

I got hate mail from my website email feedback prompt that goes directly into my email inbox.

 

I thought about my life again and it began to hurt me again. This time, I think it involves people at work.

 

I was assaulted when I was young and I went to school while I was healing, and got two masters degrees to find work. When my Father died, I couldn't work a normal job anymore, because I have to take care of my Mom. I now work at a Walmart because I'm caring for my ailing Mom. The story makes people sad but I think it makes my coworkers and people who hate me feel better about themselves. I haven't met the person who I am to marry, and I don't think I will be able to have biological children anymore. I think a lot of people feel comfort from that, but to my expense.

 

I begin to think that they, the people who work with me, feel happy and liked me not because I'm such a spectacular person. I think they're happy because they don't feel so bad anymore since my life might be worse than theirs. I begin to think that the schadenfreude is the reason why people at work tolerate me. I don't even know if they like me now, but I know they like stealing from me. I know also that people who dislike me from the past are laughing at me because I'm working at Walmart and the people at the retail store are laughing because I felt such a hard fall in life.

 

Either way, the thoughts of these things, makes me cry. 

 

I don't know if people genuine like me because I'm a good woman, or because I had such a terrible fortune. 

 

Today, I just couldn't stop thinking about the schadenfreude that gives other people comfort from knowing that I've gone through hardships. That they feel better because I might be worse off. The feeling is the same as the time I knew I was raped and was being gossiped as being a doorknob by the rapist's girlfriend. She would tell men around me that I was used and will be used forever and no longer pure. I felt violated and as if a knife was on my back, the blood trickled into my heart and made it sob as tears came out of my eyes. The feeling of the coworkers stealing from me and the hate mails got me hurt again. It hurts, I won't lie, and it's been tough.

 

I don't know if my life will be just full of these sufferings or I will come out of it in the future. I hope I will come out of it in the future, because I don't know how much more I can handle. 

 

Being asked for my last name was the worst, because I felt proud of my last name then I realized they had used it to look me up on the internet and my things were stolen. I have a feeling they think I'm rich because of this blog, and because of my brother, who has his own successes that he worked hard for and deserved. I have a feeling that people think I'm rich and privileged by association. I won't know for sure until I felt their discrimination, but I have a feeling people either hate me or they genuinely like me. I think I'm a polarizing woman, and I wish I wasn't.

 

I wish everyone likes me, and I am loved, but that's probably not going to happen. I have a feeling that people like me because I'm the object of schadenfreude, that I've gone through a lot of shitty things but still alive. I have a feeling people are happy that I sometimes contemplate suicide because of the people who hurt me. I have a feeling about a lot of things. 

 

My hope....my hope is getting there I think.

 

My hope is people do feel comfort in knowing that I've gone through hardships and still willing to work, still willing to live, still pursuing to write. I know the devil will always nudge me and tell me that people are laughing and I'm the butt of their jokes. I know...those thoughts come, but I know one thing. I am with God, and Suffering + Jesus = Faith. 

 

For that, I will keep the faith, keep the crying and hoping, keep the praying at Jesus's feet, and loving God and loving myself, and keep trying to love others. 

 

It's been a rough day today, perhaps I should stop thinking, but I've been hurting and the thinking just processes the hurt....and I will keep writing and praying.

 

#JustWrite 

It was a normal night, but when I checked my email, everything took a dive. I received two emails from the Authors Guild website contact form, from a Laura, with one email that said "Writing." Then, the second email by the same author name, Laura, that said, "STOP IT." I gathered that the person wanted me to stop writing, for some reason of her own thinking.

 

I realized that life has gone bad for that person that she had to go to my website and tried to put me down and to shun my light.

For the purpose of this post, I will refer to Laura as a she and because just as a genderized name.

I was not at all hurt by it, instead I felt stronger because of it. Normally, when I was weaker, I would be devastated by it, but not this time. since Laura had no idea who I am.

 

I am wonderfully made and perfectly made to be in my shoes and with my talents.

I am designed to be a writer, with the skills and desires to compose and write from the simplest prose to most wonderful sentences, paragraphs, stories and books.

I am purely beautiful in my heart, mind, soul and even my wishes are so purely desirable by God. 

I am checked by Jesus at all times, guided and steered to perfection and loved to no end, and it is just a matter of my good choices.

I am a fountain of love pouring blessings into my life and into those surrounding me. 

I am a conqueror who had to overcome some challenges that didn't stop me.

I am envied by Laura and her comrades who has no idea who I am, because they are sorry people who have no purpose or goals in life out of their own comfort.

 

I am an optimist of the future of my fate, and of my loved ones and my darlings who I love, and I am their keeper.

I am made to succeed and to be happy, no matter what the circumstances may be and how many dollars I earn, it is in the joy and satisfaction of my life.
I am made by God, pH balanced by Heaven.

I am made to perfection by the Holy Spirit, and loved by angels and even demons cannot hinder me.

I am a brilliant creative woman with the imagination to write and to create stories that grasp and inspire.

I am a beautiful aunt and sister and daughter of a gorgeous family who loves me.

I am a community of people who love to write and love to capture the billions of words mended together to lift hopes and dream dreams.

I am a genius of everything I am making and creating.

 

I am kind, so loveable and loved by the Holy Spirit, God, and the Son of God, Jesus.

I am a survivor, a gorgeous human being who overcame tragic trauma and hospitalizations that no one should compare their walks with mine.

I am a duly noted woman who surrendered all of her life to God at the feet of the cross that whomever crossed my path shouldn't compare to me.

I am joy incarnate from the anguish that bereft me whence I was humiliated and raped by the perpetrators who hurt me, yet I am joy, still am, and wlll always be.

I am no one you should mess with when it comes to my life and my writing because I have the full divine right to become who I wish to be.

I am with a zillion other writers who deserve our voices to be heard, and I am one of them and they are one of me and we all are together.

 

So you see, Laura, what you wish cannot be done, because I am also with the writers and voices of the world who have our own creative minds. What you demanded cannot be manifested. Simply because I was made from the start with the particles of the ocean vast and deep that was full of miracles and grace that nothing could stop me. I am, and I will always be, I am. 

 

#JustWrite #EnRoutetoVictory

It was a Trenta Iced Green Tea with a splash of lemonade that just perked me up this evening. But that was the topping of the cake, after a whole normal day of work. I must say, a normal day was a handful, but I won't have it any other way. 

I am grateful, for the beautiful altruism that was graced upon me by the Almighty to have this day and evening of pure normality. Not in luxury, but just a normal day for a working class woman after eight hours of her shift, that was my perspective. I am beyond thankful for this and it was because I realized that my normal was what not a lot of people have. There are suffering still, and in the midst of all that, I am still alive. 

 

I could have been homeless several years ago when I was laid off, but that is not the case now and the reality is kind for me. I am so beyond grateful and I don't mind it if my normal will be as is until I retire. I am grateful, thankful, happy and satisfied.

 

I am thankful that I don't have any illness and my mind is manageable with the PTSD and Major Depression. I will enjoy things as they unfold and I am thankful that I can witness and experience more as I grow older. Things could be worse, but it is as it is, and I am so surprised that I am optimistic about it. As they say, growing older is a privilege and the key to its success is gratitude.

 

Several years ago, I would have been so depressed and would become so negative from the mental health. But today, and lately, I have been thankful. The grateful mind is healing me. It is blessing me, and I am proud of myself. From now on, I will give thanks, and praises and worship, and stay optimistic and become the more I am grateful, the more positive I become as the days go on.

 

I know it's my anti-depressant that is working, but that's only half the magic. The magic was me on the other half of the spectrum of healing. I was a believer in healing and gratitude working in tandem, and for that, I won't stop believing. 

This past January was a hard month for a lot of people and February also ensues demands of its own. From the fires of Southern California to the Hurricanes that just passed in December, there was a lot of suffering. Now, in the present moment and in my immediate circle, I saw suffering of my friends and coworkers. From job layoffs, death in the family, ill health, divorces and other broken pieces in the lives of those who did not deserve it. This 2025 has not been friendly nor easy. I could only pray for it to be kinder.

 

On that note, I tried hard to be kind today, and it was easy and paid off. I gave a rose to a friend from a debris of a bouquet that was about to the thrown away. She smiled and felt special. I gave candy and hugs to my coworkers and some customers who I just felt needed the hug and asked for them. I didn't have to twist my arm to be kind, as it came naturally and it wasn't something that I planned. I wanted to do it and tried more than usual. 

 

There should be more people out there who want to help cheer someone's day out of the kind gesture of their heart. To just brighten someone's life even for a moment. I helped bagged groceries for the elderly and helped Mom's without a helping hand with their babies. It became second nature and it was pleasing to me. It felt nurturing to my own heart and I was surprised that I wanted to keep going. I thought it was going to be for a couple of people, but I extended a helping hand to my customers and served them completely. I wanted to do it all day long, for my whole shift of 8 hours long. I supposed my customer service skills were practiced and I was more eager to help, but it felt normal and just like every day for me. 

 

I think kindness became my normal as I practiced it more and more. A lot of people complimented me as memorable and loving, and I appreciated each person who complimented me. It was true that kindness grew in depth inside the soul that grew roots and showed its fruits in random ways. It became a chocolate wafer from a stranger when I was sad. It also became a hug each morning because we were kindred spirits, and because just a hello showed compassion to a lonesome heart. It showed up as a smile from a Jane who was single and elderly who divorced at 25 and never remarried. Kindness became a mini-Spanish tutorial in the lunch room because she just wanted to tell me I was a beautiful person. These people became more valuable to me, and their gestures became gold. I was the recipient of their love and their kindness because kindness recycled from one person to another became love in action.

 

January was tough and ripped out whole lives, and here comes February with its own demand. But we as people shouldn't stop being kind, generous and honorable because it runs through life like a holy ghost that touches each spirit differently, and leaving each life with a blossoming rose. I know I am just one person, but one person can do much and my gestures walks, as my kindness shapes hearts. It kept on going...

 

#JustWrite

This past Saturday was a little difficult for me. A woman had broken up my past relationship in 2012 and it was my last relationship before I gave up on dating. I was broken after that relationship ended, and just wanted to take care of my parents and take care of myself to mend from the PTSD. The woman since then became successful in journalism and her mom paid me a visit at the retail store where I worked and gloated to me that her daughter, the same woman who hurt me, became a big time news editor at Associated Press, and pointed out that I was working and serving her at the retail store. I didn't care what they did and how successful they are, but they hurt me. I was hurt that Saturday and on the day after, I was triggered from the PTSD that I had and couldn't stop the losing thought that spiraled in me and almost lead to suicidal thoughts again. 

 

I realized that they still had a vendetta towards me, and for what? I would never know. I never hurt them and as far as I was concerned, I never tried to hurt them in any way, shape or form. The woman's mother just kept stalking me, first at Rocky Mountain Church in Niwot, then to my retail store and I am not sure if she will continue to do it again or not, but one would never know. I think they will try to do it again in the future to just push my buttons and hurt me, and I think they did it to make themselves feel more confident and egotistical. 

 

I realized now that people don't know that journeys in life are independent and exclusive. The journey of a human being cannot be compared to another and no matter what they will do to me, I will know that my faith is bigger than their cruelty. They just wanted me to feel so bad that I become suicidal again, and they want me to feel ruined and in turn ruin my own life. They wanted a cycle of self harm to happen to me again, but this time, I had friends who helped me, and my faith was stronger. 

 

A woman who I worked with told me that she was a former professor from University of Denver and she has a Phd in Business and Accounting, and works with me because she didn't want to feel alone at home after her mother had passed away. Another friend who retired wanted to be closer to his grandchildren and was a former professor from The University of Iowa in Biochemistry and taught Biomedical Engineering. Another one just retired from his career and didn't get enough social security to make ends meet. Another coworker was a student and just barely going to college in his thirties and needed to make ends meet to pay for his schooling. There are so many of my co-worker and friends who helped me and told me that I was winning and not losing, because I was caring for my Mom and that act was irreplaceable. I found out that I was fulfilling my purpose as well, through helping others while I was at work in conversations, as I took every opportunity to help lift up the hearts of my coworkers each time I saw them. I looked outside of the store and saw the homeless and how cold they were from the bitter winter weather. I sometimes give them my change and often times I would give change to other homeless person outside of other grocery stores. 

 

I took my attention to the Southern California Fires and just donated some monies to Baby2Baby and some GoFundMe pages. I felt complete and thriving, and realized that their words and works of the enemies were just fleeting. It was enough to hurt me and make me feel sad for a moment, but I still know that I was dignified and strong because I am helping my Mom and I am helping myself with my writing. 

 

It took some days to forgive them, but I forgave them. I realized they weren't mature enough to handle life. They felt that they had to hurt others to make themselves feel good. They wanted to burn my candle and eventually lead me to suicide to make themselves superior. It was a common mistake of dumb people recently rising to the top. God will take care of them for me and I know He will bring together everything for the good of those who loves Him. I will keep praying. 

 

#JustWrite

I woke up this Sunday morning with a little more weariness and fear, but that all soon subsided. The day before, I felt uneasy and worried from negative and losing thoughts with dreadful fears of the future. Those thoughts carried on through the night, and thusly, woke up with a little more angst. 

 

To my surprise, those all subsided.

 

I decided to pray and decided to take up arms with the Holy Spirit and wanted to make my day a brighter day by making a smarter decision on how to follow through my own thoughts. I spent it with a smile, and with the anticipation that it would be a cozy day, despite the sub-zero temperature. The dark skies when I woke up at 5 am made me happy that I could spend another day facing another moment of grace called life. The piercing cold almost washed away the fears and the dreadful thoughts, and renewed my soul. 

 

I thought this whole Sunday was going to be a terrible idea of a day, but it was the opposite. I wanted to help others and that service mentality carried through my day with joy. I served some donuts and hot cocoa at the store, and my supervisor who decided to make the customer appreciation gesture, welcomed my enthusiasm and pointed me as the keeper of the station for several hours. 

 

I enjoyed the time and the time enjoyed me, as did the customers and the people around me. I didn't think that my day was going to be better, but I surrendered to the Alimighty and helped my own conscience to be a better person. I wanted to feel better and therefore, I felt better. It was mind over matter this morning. I chose joy and searched for joy by praying and soaking in the mercy of the warmth inside the store instead of the cold outside.

 

I felt comfortable and I was thankful for what I have. My job, my health, my Mom, my puppy, my siblings, and my niece and nephews and my sister's in laws, the friends I have, and the basic necessities I was blessed with. I was so thankful for the mercy I had from God, and those gracious blessings didn't go unnoticed. I was thriving by the end of the day and I knew that my life mattered. The thoughts of my losing and negative life took itself away and it ran away like banshee. It was glorious. I won. I won the day and will keep praying that today, tomorrow, and the day after and this moment and the next moment will all be surrendered to God. It will be beautiful, graceful, and joyful. It was my calling to experience this and I am forever grateful.

 

#JustWrite

Healing is a tough gig. It has ups and downs and comparisons and losing and winning and frayed thoughts. Today I felt I lost to the war of survivor life. I didn't have suicidal thoughts, but I had losing thoughs. It hurts. And that's the tough part of being on this journey of healing. I sought help, but I needed to set up an appointment with my psychotherapist. I couldn't talk to my old friends, because they no longer respond out of compassion fatigue. It's a hard journey. I will mend, but this was all I had in my head at this time. It will get better, and I will be better in this life. 

 

#JustWrite

On New Years Eve, I was sick. I was so sick that I slept at five in the afternoon and woke up the next day to go to work at five in the morning. I was so sick that whole time and all I wanted to have this year was a healthy year. Not only that, perhaps it was the flu that caught my thoughts in a wind to think of the people I lost, but I was reminded of Jeff and Jeff. Two Jeffs that I knew although they didn't know each other, who lost their lives in the Summer of 2023 from self-harm. I thought of them and thought of how much mental health affects our lives. 

 

This year, as I am on the mend, I want to be healthy, mind, body and soul. I wanted to start a new year's resolution, but I won't call it that. I will call it just being a better me. I don't want to sound so cliche of starting a resolution but finding it hard to keep up, instead I want to just keep myself at bay with my mental health to be able to have a healthier mindset. Speaking life to myself, and to others. Being optimistic to myself and to others. Minding my own business, and won't ask about personal things towards others unless they volunteer to. I want to be mindful of my own capacity of humanity in the raw. I don't want to overexert myself and become so overwhelmed that I am thinking too much. 

 

I will keep it simple, and chill down. Not becoming too super excited when something crazy happens in politics or becoming angry when something bad happens with the new Trump Administration (I didn't vote for him). I will just keep a low profile and just chill. Just chillin' means just keeping steady too, and it will eventually help me in the long run. I plan to pray often, just being me and keeping my spiritual vitamin at a high level so I can level up when grouchy customers come my way at work. 

 

This year, I will just want to maintain calm, remembering my friends, especially those who have been there for me in the deepest darkest days, and being cool as a cucumber on other days to keep myself sane. Just being better will help me in the long run, I believe. I will take that to my driving skills too, not driving too fast, just right and just relaxing behind the wheel, not rushing to anything. I will read more and do more yoga, and be better at becoming myself. I want to prepare for my 49th and 50th birthday to be more comfortable in my skin. I want to be able to say to myself down the line, that I was practicing mindfulness by just being a better me. I want to look back when I'm 80 or 90 or even 100, that I started this journey at becoming a better me with mindfulness a long time ago and I am becoming better and better as a person.

 

#Justwrite

I'm normally just a calm person and have occasional bouts of negative thoughts from the PTSD and Depression. It is especially difficult for me during holiday seasons, Valentine's Day, my birthday and any holiday there calls to be merry as I can be. The negative thought just sometimes come in and out and I have to deal with it. Yesterday was a difficult day for me, on a Sunday, December 22nd, 2024. I was sitting at church and enjoying the children's presentation on their performance for Christmas, when suddenly I got the negative thought that I need to witness them and realize how their future is so bright but my life or future is so grim. I was so hurt by the thought and I didn't know why I felt that way. In a split second, I began to sob and felt so low that I forgot that I was a church and kept sobbing although no one noticed. The bout of negativity just came over me and hurt me like a stab from a knife inside my chest. 

 

I realized that it was just a thought that I could erase, and it wasn't my reality. I began to count the blessings in my life and the things that God had made a blessing out of nothing for me. The time that I was saved in a winter accident, the time the rapist almost killed me but I stayed alive, the time when I was almost killed by the group of assaulters who hurt me. The time that I almost died from suicide and the time God gave me a meteor shower for my birthday. Every January 3 to January 4, there is a meteor shower called Quadrantid over the skies and it is the most beautiful blessing that I witnessed.

 

I first discovered it during my roughest moment in life, the time when I was 37 and I didn't think I would see 40. It wasn't that long ago, and I realized that moment was my personal miracle in life. I didn't search for it, but deep down there was a still small voice that told me to go outside at midnight and see the skies and to wait there until four in the morning. It was God's way of telling me to stay faithful to him and to anticipate glory instead of suicide. I saw several meteor showers and I realized that it was for me. I didn't know where the sadness had gone afterwards, but I was astonished and not at all suicidal. The negative thought disappeared and I found myself counting stars and it was my evidence that God showed up.

 

This Christmas, during the suicidal thought at church this past Sunday, I reached out to some of my best friends and they had some wisdom given to me. One of them told me that I already made a difference in life and I am going to keep making a difference in my future in my own life and others as well. That sentiment gave me a revelation. Sometimes, I don't realize how important I am in the lives of others, because I am so internally focused on myself and how I was affected by others, that I didn't realize how I also make a difference in other people's lives as well. I failed to realize that other people are affected by me too, and that unknowingly, my intentions, and good deeds, and other blessings I gave towards others had made a difference in their lives. I thought I was a solo traveller in the land of negativity and abandonment, and no one cared about me because I meant nothing to everyone. But that's not true. I mean a lot to my Mami and also my late beloved Papi. I am my brother's and sister's sister and I am valuable to them. I am a good friend and best friends to a lot of my friends and that means a lot too. I am worthy human being and I am worthy of living a good life and a good future. I am worth God's blessings and miracles and I don't need signs or wonders, but God sent me a meteor shower. It was a defining miracle in my life and it is a defining life that I have. 

 

This Christmas, as I love others, I will also love myself. I won't forget how valuable I am and how much of a kindred spirit I am to my best friends and my pet. How I am so loved that they can't live without me. That they think of me all the time and they think the world of me. That God thinks the world of me and though that this world needs someone like me in it. 

I realize I have negative thoughts, but I also know I am loved and that I am a positive influence in other people's lives and that I have made a lot of difference in my own life and in the lives of others. I have dreams to follow and put to work, and I have people and friends to build relationships with, and more people in my future who will cherish me. I have countries to travel to and even other states in America that I need to travel to. I have a big life ahead of me. 

 

This Christmas is not a time of negative thoughts, no matter who you are and whether or not you have PTSD and Major Depression. I know it's the hardest time of the year for some people, but I hope someone will stumble upon my blog and read this and decide to become a positive thinker even if it's just from this Christmas. That this person is directed away from suicide and self harm and realize that he or she is a difference maker in life, their own lives and others as well. That I am making a difference. I am so grateful for this Christmas and I hope we will all live to see millions more Christmases to come. 

 

#JustWrite

 

Today I realized that my normal was a miracle in itself. Ten years ago, I didn't think I would live past 40, and I had suicidal ideations inside my head, practicing power dialogues to help myself to take suicide out of my vocabulary. Today, I'm working and earning a living, although not stellar, but I'm grateful.

 

This morning I drove to work early and got to my undesignated parking spot and took a breather. I looked to the left of me and the same white Ford van was there since I left the day before. The inside was full of clothes and dirty dishes, as I realized that someone had been living there, inside the van and perhaps even working at the same retail store I work for. My eyes moistened because I knew this person has been living there for the past few months, just not telling anyone about the parking situation. I realized that the normal for the person living inside the car was very different from mine. Just a step away to the left, was how close the situation was for me.

 

Every Christmas, I was always depleted with money and as always with my monthly wages throughout the year. I guess that's what barely scraping it meant. But, I will do something even with as few as $20 this year, and I will put it towards something for someone. I have expenses to pay, but I realized this morning that each person was given something different and it could have been me, living in the van. I won't be able to put too much into it, because I want to have some presents for my niece and nephews, but I'm going to save up my dollars and donate it. I haven't donated in a long time because I've been helping my Mom with rent but I felt called this morning because of the person living inside the van. 

My normal became routine for me, but I felt thankful for the things I have. The running water, the shower and water I get to drink, the food I have, and the job I work for. The Mom who is still with me, and the friends who love me. This morning was a miracle I never expected, because I never thought I would be this grateful. I hated my life just a decade ago and before these past few years, because I was poor, suicidal and single and still am, but I had no sense of gratitude inside of me since my focus was skewed. I paid attention to the things that I lacked and everything I wished for, without realizing that my normal was a dream to someone in this world. No matter who the person living inside the van was, that person had made a difference in me. It wasn't intentional, but it made all the difference in me.

I used to serve dinner for the homeless because I felt so happy doing so, but it wasn't just because of that, now that I thought about it. It was because I wanted to make the people at the shelter feel better. I wanted to give them a nice day out of their tough normal. I served the homeless for a while, but I felt it wasn't long enough. I had to stop because my parents were becoming ill and my father eventually passed on. Because of this morning, I want to get back into serving the homeless. I want to help my Mom first and then as time will permit, I hope I will get to start a new normal that will involve helping others more, and less pondering about my life. I realized my norm might even be worse than others, but I am grateful I am not a scorekeeper, just a sensitive Jane with a willing heart.

 

#JustWrite