This past Saturday was a little difficult for me. A woman had broken up my past relationship in 2012 and it was my last relationship before I gave up on dating. I was broken after that relationship ended, and just wanted to take care of my parents and take care of myself to mend from the PTSD. The woman since then became successful in journalism and her mom paid me a visit at the retail store where I worked and gloated to me that her daughter, the same woman who hurt me, became a big time news editor at Associated Press, and pointed out that I was working and serving her at the retail store. I didn't care what they did and how successful they are, but they hurt me. I was hurt that Saturday and on the day after, I was triggered from the PTSD that I had and couldn't stop the losing thought that spiraled in me and almost lead to suicidal thoughts again.
I realized that they still had a vendetta towards me, and for what? I would never know. I never hurt them and as far as I was concerned, I never tried to hurt them in any way, shape or form. The woman's mother just kept stalking me, first at Rocky Mountain Church in Niwot, then to my retail store and I am not sure if she will continue to do it again or not, but one would never know. I think they will try to do it again in the future to just push my buttons and hurt me, and I think they did it to make themselves feel more confident and egotistical.
I realized now that people don't know that journeys in life are independent and exclusive. The journey of a human being cannot be compared to another and no matter what they will do to me, I will know that my faith is bigger than their cruelty. They just wanted me to feel so bad that I become suicidal again, and they want me to feel ruined and in turn ruin my own life. They wanted a cycle of self harm to happen to me again, but this time, I had friends who helped me, and my faith was stronger.
A woman who I worked with told me that she was a former professor from University of Denver and she has a Phd in Business and Accounting, and works with me because she didn't want to feel alone at home after her mother had passed away. Another friend who retired wanted to be closer to his grandchildren and was a former professor from The University of Iowa in Biochemistry and taught Biomedical Engineering. Another one just retired from his career and didn't get enough social security to make ends meet. Another coworker was a student and just barely going to college in his thirties and needed to make ends meet to pay for his schooling. There are so many of my co-worker and friends who helped me and told me that I was winning and not losing, because I was caring for my Mom and that act was irreplaceable. I found out that I was fulfilling my purpose as well, through helping others while I was at work in conversations, as I took every opportunity to help lift up the hearts of my coworkers each time I saw them. I looked outside of the store and saw the homeless and how cold they were from the bitter winter weather. I sometimes give them my change and often times I would give change to other homeless person outside of other grocery stores.
I took my attention to the Southern California Fires and just donated some monies to Baby2Baby and some GoFundMe pages. I felt complete and thriving, and realized that their words and works of the enemies were just fleeting. It was enough to hurt me and make me feel sad for a moment, but I still know that I was dignified and strong because I am helping my Mom and I am helping myself with my writing.
It took some days to forgive them, but I forgave them. I realized they weren't mature enough to handle life. They felt that they had to hurt others to make themselves feel good. They wanted to burn my candle and eventually lead me to suicide to make themselves superior. It was a common mistake of dumb people recently rising to the top. God will take care of them for me and I know He will bring together everything for the good of those who loves Him. I will keep praying.
#JustWrite