Diana Kurniawan

I'm at a spot where my source of joy is within me.

I remembered those days when I chose melancholy because it was my natural state. However, lately, my natural state is no longer melancholy, and I started to choose joy. THis was such a huge surprise to me because I often couldn't realize that I chose it, instead I just leaned towards it because I didn't want to cry or have negative thoughts. But today...I chose it, because I was healthier. 

True, I take meds for the PTSD and Depression, but I felt healthy besides that. Couldn't I just say that I'm healthy? 

I think it's important that I can be healthy and choose to be healthy because I'm taking care of myself. I think it's okay to say I'm healthy although I have meds inside me for mental health. I think my standard is my own. 

I sometimes didn't know that I chose joy, because it had to be an effort, and it didn't come naturally. I try to ruminate over it first and then try it out and sometimes the negative thoughts just wins, but today....not so fast bucko, negativity what?  

I was so impressed of myself and I am proud about it. I didn't ask for any supportive words, and I didn't call anyone for help. I just kept choosing joy. It felt positive and encouraging. I just smiled and kept smiling to the customers in front of me. 

One customer yelled at me, because his Food Stamps didn't work and he also took it out on my supervisor, but I just stayed calm, and let them just yell at each other. Eventually, the man ran outside because he was so disturbed and angry and he already yelled at my supervisor and me, but my supervisor and I hugged it out later, and we were okay. I chose joy, peace, and calm and no drama. I chose the path that was healthy. I could have escalated when the man yelled at us, but I didn't. Sometimes it pays to be short too, because the man was hella tall, and I would have to keep looking up to talk to him. 

The next thing after that was peace and I said to myself, "He should have known electrolytes weren't covered by Food Stamps."  Then the customer after him said to me, "He should have kept a tally of his spending, and he should have known that he'd go over his food budgets."

Basically, I thought nothing about it and the thought of being negative that would have let me feel down in the dumps didn't happen. I just kept calm and carried on. 

Today might be a special day, and I even thought of something funny about the situation. Well, it was because the man who tried to bring me and my supervisor down was eating like a toddler. In his cart were six boxes of cereals and four gallons of milk, and four boxes of crackers, and some bags of chicken fingers. He used his food stamps like a toddler, but who was I to judge. I judged anyway, and he made me laugh. 

The point was, I wasn't brought down by the negative situation. I was lifted up because I had a sense of humor, and I chose joy. 

#JustWrite

I tried to think today of the choices I've made that led me to this spot in life. I ached and bruised my own thoughts until I realized I had to surrender through the times in my life right now to not become a curmudgeon over past mistakes. I stop thinking after about ten seconds and began to surrender and prayed to God about myself and what it was that I went through. The thoughts of how I didn't choose to be in my job (if I had a choice) and the thoughts of how I wish I was married and had children. All those thoughts, I surrendered them to God. 

I, never in a million years, thought I would be working retail at pushing 50 and earning what I'm earning now while single. I thought I would have a family and became a working mom, and a dog. The dog part came through and I have the sweetest companion, Mimi, with me, but everything else fell out of control and it would be most far fetched situation at this age. My eyes moistened at the thought of those who hates me, and their laughter knowing that I'm struggling to make ends meet and single and no prospects for love. But, today I met a couple who met in their sixties, and they told me that it wasn't their choice to have things this way at all either. They both had divorced and met each other through chance, not through friends, but through online dating. They suggested to me to go online, when I am ready and when I am done with caring for my Mom, and things settled down.

"It's never what we expect, life has its own game with God," said the husband. 

"Don't underestimate fate and surrendering to the God. The things that could happen in your life, ... miracles do happen," said the wife.

After all these times, I thought that it would take a miracle for me to meet someone and let alone marry him. Some friends even suggested that I should just start online dating now, but my Mom takes precedence right now and I hardly have time for myself. I thought to myself, "I was so pretty when I was young, and now I feel just older and not as vibrant, but I'm wiser. I hope I am still attractive to someone,"

The thoughts kept persisting and so I decided to take myself out for some iced tea for lunch during work, and that took my mind away from it for a moment. Chances are, I would have to go online to meet someone in the future, but would I be too old for it? I won't know unless I try, and I decided that I would wait it out, and help my Mom first then put myself after her. It's been a tough journey with my Mom and she has been sick all of my life since I was young, so I know that I will be in it for the long haul. But, she is worth it. 

When I'm tired, my Mom always offered to massage my feet, and cook something. She's always cooking because that is her craft hobby. She loves to cut onions, garlic and cilantros to save for a later date. I took after her habits and I would peel garlic and onions for her, and even blend candle nuts to bits for cooking. We would go to the grocery store and call it a day trip. We hover over vegetables and pick the freshest and healthiest ones at H-Mart. We go to the Korean restaurant in H-Mart and have lunch there. We have fun together, and I'm content and happy that I chose her over online dating right now.

I know I will end up an old maid and there are some stressful thoughts in the vestiges of my mind about haters...again. But, I am getting better at keeping those away and help myself through surrendering each moment to God. If it's anything I learned today was that I became a stronger person and more of a God follower than the stubborn self that I was almost forty years ago. I learned that things could take a turn and as the woman who married in her sixties said, Miracles Do Happen.

#JustWrite.

From a short distance I could already suspect his failing arms and legs. He rode on the motorized cart for the handicapped around the retail store where I work. I waited for him at the cash register, ready to ring up his merchandise. Slowly, he placed one item after another as I started to scan them one by one. At the end of the series of items, he took out his EBT card and pressed food stamps to pay for his merchandise. I was so happy that we made it and he hardly broke a sweat but his speed was agonizingly slow because he might have been handicapped from his old age.

"Queres una bolsa, senor?" I asked him. He shook his head and "no, por favor." He finished his transaction and the food stamps paid for $50 of his things, which wasn't much considering how much groceries costs in the world today post covid prices.

He looked at the register screen on the customer side and a frown had set in. I looked at it and it said $45.90 left on to be paid. He didn't speak English and from his physical appearance, he might be in his 80s or older. I wanted to hug him, and tell him that he didn't have to pay for it. His eyes moistened and I knew he must have felt vulnerable with his ailing arms and feet, barely able to get the merchandise into his cart, and now he couldn't pay for the rest of his groceries. I wanted to just fake his payment as cash to get rid of the bill and call it a day, but my job would be on the line.

"We'll pay for it," said the twenty-something woman in the line after him. She watched us without saying a word and she also must have noticed how vulnerable the senor was. "I got it," said the mother of the twenty something woman. "It's not a big deal, and he needs his merchandise," she said.  

The Senor was teary eyed and he uttered, "Gracias," as his voice shook and nearly cried. I wanted to hug them all, and my eyes were moist. 

Their transaction was added to the Senor's merchandise and the total added up to over $450 dollars for just groceries. I couldn't speak, and I never saw anyone spent that much on foods before. It was my early morning shift and I never expected this at such early in the day. I really wanted to say thank you, but my tongue was frozen. I walked from behind the register counter to the Senor who waited for them and I hugged him, then I hugged the twenty something woman and her Mom. 

I cried after they left, not only because their interactions was so moving and poignant but also because they've restored something inside of me. 

For a long time, I believed that most people are bad, and that humans were animals. The smarter the animal, the more evil they possessed, and humans were amongst the most evil of animals. I truly believed in that. But, for some reason, today...it all changed. The interactions between the senor and the twenty something woman and her Mom was the norm where I work. It happens everday and the other workers knew it as well, and I was just one witness amongst many. It wasn't a once in a blue moon event, it was an every day thing. It was normal. 

Since the pandemic, I believe the world felt more vulnerable and humans felt vulnerability more than usual and that attuned everyone to want to be kinder. I realized that the world has changed eversince COVID happened and the world became victim of the pandemic with millions of people who died, including my own father. I saw humans becoming closer to humanity, people helping people and men and women starting to take care of each other. The world became kinder and I hope everyone became kinder, at every level. True, there are wars still going on and different parts of the world is still in chaos, like Ukraine and Gaza, but I saw some changes from closer to home. 

I saw organizations helping people worldwide and although there are now more homelessness, but more homeless shelters and organizations are being mobilized. I saw people more attuned to their friends and family, and I hope texting is as frequent as voice calls on the cell phones. I hope things keep on changing, and people do become kinder.  I really hope my observation is true, because I saw kindness become more and more prominent in small everyday lives. 

I hope things weren't a fluke, and it wasn't an extraordinary moment, and it was truly just normal. If this was a fluke and if there are millions of people out there who disagree, I am more not sorry for saying so. I hope my sentiment becomes true and kindness is becoming normal for everyone.

#JustWrite