Diana Kurniawan

Sometimes my life hurts when I think about it too much, this time schadenfreude. 

 

I bought a Honeypot maxi pads and placed it inside my bag and stowed it away at work inside my bag, where I thought it was safe for the time being, as I pulled one pad for myself during my period. When I came back to go home from finishing my shift, it was gone. Another time, I got an Ice Tea from Starbucks and placed it on the restroom counter for a minute while I go pee, and when I came out of the stall, one of the coworkers who were there took it and left. I felt hurt inside my heart.

 

Some people at work have been asking about my last name and I begin to become anxious and worried about what they need it for. I'm worried they stalk me on the internet to find this blog or my social media and the things about me out there in the open. To try to find out about my family, my associations, my books, and would use it against me.

 

I got hate mail from my website email feedback prompt that goes directly into my email inbox.

 

I thought about my life again and it began to hurt me again. This time, I think it involves people at work.

 

I was assaulted when I was young and I went to school while I was healing, and got two masters degrees to find work. When my Father died, I couldn't work a normal job anymore, because I have to take care of my Mom. I now work at a Walmart because I'm caring for my ailing Mom. The story makes people sad but I think it makes my coworkers and people who hate me feel better about themselves. I haven't met the person who I am to marry, and I don't think I will be able to have biological children anymore. I think a lot of people feel comfort from that, but to my expense.

 

I begin to think that they, the people who work with me, feel happy and liked me not because I'm such a spectacular person. I think they're happy because they don't feel so bad anymore since my life might be worse than theirs. I begin to think that the schadenfreude is the reason why people at work tolerate me. I don't even know if they like me now, but I know they like stealing from me. I know also that people who dislike me from the past are laughing at me because I'm working at Walmart and the people at the retail store are laughing because I felt such a hard fall in life.

 

Either way, the thoughts of these things, makes me cry. 

 

I don't know if people genuine like me because I'm a good woman, or because I had such a terrible fortune. 

 

Today, I just couldn't stop thinking about the schadenfreude that gives other people comfort from knowing that I've gone through hardships. That they feel better because I might be worse off. The feeling is the same as the time I knew I was raped and was being gossiped as being a doorknob by the rapist's girlfriend. She would tell men around me that I was used and will be used forever and no longer pure. I felt violated and as if a knife was on my back, the blood trickled into my heart and made it sob as tears came out of my eyes. The feeling of the coworkers stealing from me and the hate mails got me hurt again. It hurts, I won't lie, and it's been tough.

 

I don't know if my life will be just full of these sufferings or I will come out of it in the future. I hope I will come out of it in the future, because I don't know how much more I can handle. 

 

Being asked for my last name was the worst, because I felt proud of my last name then I realized they had used it to look me up on the internet and my things were stolen. I have a feeling they think I'm rich because of this blog, and because of my brother, who has his own successes that he worked hard for and deserved. I have a feeling that people think I'm rich and privileged by association. I won't know for sure until I felt their discrimination, but I have a feeling people either hate me or they genuinely like me. I think I'm a polarizing woman, and I wish I wasn't.

 

I wish everyone likes me, and I am loved, but that's probably not going to happen. I have a feeling that people like me because I'm the object of schadenfreude, that I've gone through a lot of shitty things but still alive. I have a feeling people are happy that I sometimes contemplate suicide because of the people who hurt me. I have a feeling about a lot of things. 

 

My hope....my hope is getting there I think.

 

My hope is people do feel comfort in knowing that I've gone through hardships and still willing to work, still willing to live, still pursuing to write. I know the devil will always nudge me and tell me that people are laughing and I'm the butt of their jokes. I know...those thoughts come, but I know one thing. I am with God, and Suffering + Jesus = Faith. 

 

For that, I will keep the faith, keep the crying and hoping, keep the praying at Jesus's feet, and loving God and loving myself, and keep trying to love others. 

 

It's been a rough day today, perhaps I should stop thinking, but I've been hurting and the thinking just processes the hurt....and I will keep writing and praying.

 

#JustWrite 

It was a normal night, but when I checked my email, everything took a dive. I received two emails from the Authors Guild website contact form, from a Laura, with one email that said "Writing." Then, the second email by the same author name, Laura, that said, "STOP IT." I gathered that the person wanted me to stop writing, for some reason of her own thinking.

 

I realized that life has gone bad for that person that she had to go to my website and tried to put me down and to shun my light.

For the purpose of this post, I will refer to Laura as a she and because just as a genderized name.

I was not at all hurt by it, instead I felt stronger because of it. Normally, when I was weaker, I would be devastated by it, but not this time. since Laura had no idea who I am.

 

I am wonderfully made and perfectly made to be in my shoes and with my talents.

I am designed to be a writer, with the skills and desires to compose and write from the simplest prose to most wonderful sentences, paragraphs, stories and books.

I am purely beautiful in my heart, mind, soul and even my wishes are so purely desirable by God. 

I am checked by Jesus at all times, guided and steered to perfection and loved to no end, and it is just a matter of my good choices.

I am a fountain of love pouring blessings into my life and into those surrounding me. 

I am a conqueror who had to overcome some challenges that didn't stop me.

I am envied by Laura and her comrades who has no idea who I am, because they are sorry people who have no purpose or goals in life out of their own comfort.

 

I am an optimist of the future of my fate, and of my loved ones and my darlings who I love, and I am their keeper.

I am made to succeed and to be happy, no matter what the circumstances may be and how many dollars I earn, it is in the joy and satisfaction of my life.
I am made by God, pH balanced by Heaven.

I am made to perfection by the Holy Spirit, and loved by angels and even demons cannot hinder me.

I am a brilliant creative woman with the imagination to write and to create stories that grasp and inspire.

I am a beautiful aunt and sister and daughter of a gorgeous family who loves me.

I am a community of people who love to write and love to capture the billions of words mended together to lift hopes and dream dreams.

I am a genius of everything I am making and creating.

 

I am kind, so loveable and loved by the Holy Spirit, God, and the Son of God, Jesus.

I am a survivor, a gorgeous human being who overcame tragic trauma and hospitalizations that no one should compare their walks with mine.

I am a duly noted woman who surrendered all of her life to God at the feet of the cross that whomever crossed my path shouldn't compare to me.

I am joy incarnate from the anguish that bereft me whence I was humiliated and raped by the perpetrators who hurt me, yet I am joy, still am, and wlll always be.

I am no one you should mess with when it comes to my life and my writing because I have the full divine right to become who I wish to be.

I am with a zillion other writers who deserve our voices to be heard, and I am one of them and they are one of me and we all are together.

 

So you see, Laura, what you wish cannot be done, because I am also with the writers and voices of the world who have our own creative minds. What you demanded cannot be manifested. Simply because I was made from the start with the particles of the ocean vast and deep that was full of miracles and grace that nothing could stop me. I am, and I will always be, I am. 

 

#JustWrite #EnRoutetoVictory