I'm normally just a calm person and have occasional bouts of negative thoughts from the PTSD and Depression. It is especially difficult for me during holiday seasons, Valentine's Day, my birthday and any holiday there calls to be merry as I can be. The negative thought just sometimes come in and out and I have to deal with it. Yesterday was a difficult day for me, on a Sunday, December 22nd, 2024. I was sitting at church and enjoying the children's presentation on their performance for Christmas, when suddenly I got the negative thought that I need to witness them and realize how their future is so bright but my life or future is so grim. I was so hurt by the thought and I didn't know why I felt that way. In a split second, I began to sob and felt so low that I forgot that I was a church and kept sobbing although no one noticed. The bout of negativity just came over me and hurt me like a stab from a knife inside my chest.
I realized that it was just a thought that I could erase, and it wasn't my reality. I began to count the blessings in my life and the things that God had made a blessing out of nothing for me. The time that I was saved in a winter accident, the time the rapist almost killed me but I stayed alive, the time when I was almost killed by the group of assaulters who hurt me. The time that I almost died from suicide and the time God gave me a meteor shower for my birthday. Every January 3 to January 4, there is a meteor shower called Quadrantid over the skies and it is the most beautiful blessing that I witnessed.
I first discovered it during my roughest moment in life, the time when I was 37 and I didn't think I would see 40. It wasn't that long ago, and I realized that moment was my personal miracle in life. I didn't search for it, but deep down there was a still small voice that told me to go outside at midnight and see the skies and to wait there until four in the morning. It was God's way of telling me to stay faithful to him and to anticipate glory instead of suicide. I saw several meteor showers and I realized that it was for me. I didn't know where the sadness had gone afterwards, but I was astonished and not at all suicidal. The negative thought disappeared and I found myself counting stars and it was my evidence that God showed up.
This Christmas, during the suicidal thought at church this past Sunday, I reached out to some of my best friends and they had some wisdom given to me. One of them told me that I already made a difference in life and I am going to keep making a difference in my future in my own life and others as well. That sentiment gave me a revelation. Sometimes, I don't realize how important I am in the lives of others, because I am so internally focused on myself and how I was affected by others, that I didn't realize how I also make a difference in other people's lives as well. I failed to realize that other people are affected by me too, and that unknowingly, my intentions, and good deeds, and other blessings I gave towards others had made a difference in their lives. I thought I was a solo traveller in the land of negativity and abandonment, and no one cared about me because I meant nothing to everyone. But that's not true. I mean a lot to my Mami and also my late beloved Papi. I am my brother's and sister's sister and I am valuable to them. I am a good friend and best friends to a lot of my friends and that means a lot too. I am worthy human being and I am worthy of living a good life and a good future. I am worth God's blessings and miracles and I don't need signs or wonders, but God sent me a meteor shower. It was a defining miracle in my life and it is a defining life that I have.
This Christmas, as I love others, I will also love myself. I won't forget how valuable I am and how much of a kindred spirit I am to my best friends and my pet. How I am so loved that they can't live without me. That they think of me all the time and they think the world of me. That God thinks the world of me and though that this world needs someone like me in it.
I realize I have negative thoughts, but I also know I am loved and that I am a positive influence in other people's lives and that I have made a lot of difference in my own life and in the lives of others. I have dreams to follow and put to work, and I have people and friends to build relationships with, and more people in my future who will cherish me. I have countries to travel to and even other states in America that I need to travel to. I have a big life ahead of me.
This Christmas is not a time of negative thoughts, no matter who you are and whether or not you have PTSD and Major Depression. I know it's the hardest time of the year for some people, but I hope someone will stumble upon my blog and read this and decide to become a positive thinker even if it's just from this Christmas. That this person is directed away from suicide and self harm and realize that he or she is a difference maker in life, their own lives and others as well. That I am making a difference. I am so grateful for this Christmas and I hope we will all live to see millions more Christmases to come.
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