I'm at a spot where my source of joy is within me.
I remembered those days when I chose melancholy because it was my natural state. However, lately, my natural state is no longer melancholy, and I started to choose joy. THis was such a huge surprise to me because I often couldn't realize that I chose it, instead I just leaned towards it because I didn't want to cry or have negative thoughts. But today...I chose it, because I was healthier.
True, I take meds for the PTSD and Depression, but I felt healthy besides that. Couldn't I just say that I'm healthy?
I think it's important that I can be healthy and choose to be healthy because I'm taking care of myself. I think it's okay to say I'm healthy although I have meds inside me for mental health. I think my standard is my own.
I sometimes didn't know that I chose joy, because it had to be an effort, and it didn't come naturally. I try to ruminate over it first and then try it out and sometimes the negative thoughts just wins, but today....not so fast bucko, negativity what?
I was so impressed of myself and I am proud about it. I didn't ask for any supportive words, and I didn't call anyone for help. I just kept choosing joy. It felt positive and encouraging. I just smiled and kept smiling to the customers in front of me.
One customer yelled at me, because his Food Stamps didn't work and he also took it out on my supervisor, but I just stayed calm, and let them just yell at each other. Eventually, the man ran outside because he was so disturbed and angry and he already yelled at my supervisor and me, but my supervisor and I hugged it out later, and we were okay. I chose joy, peace, and calm and no drama. I chose the path that was healthy. I could have escalated when the man yelled at us, but I didn't. Sometimes it pays to be short too, because the man was hella tall, and I would have to keep looking up to talk to him.
The next thing after that was peace and I said to myself, "He should have known electrolytes weren't covered by Food Stamps." Then the customer after him said to me, "He should have kept a tally of his spending, and he should have known that he'd go over his food budgets."
Basically, I thought nothing about it and the thought of being negative that would have let me feel down in the dumps didn't happen. I just kept calm and carried on.
Today might be a special day, and I even thought of something funny about the situation. Well, it was because the man who tried to bring me and my supervisor down was eating like a toddler. In his cart were six boxes of cereals and four gallons of milk, and four boxes of crackers, and some bags of chicken fingers. He used his food stamps like a toddler, but who was I to judge. I judged anyway, and he made me laugh.
The point was, I wasn't brought down by the negative situation. I was lifted up because I had a sense of humor, and I chose joy.
#JustWrite