I tried to think today of the choices I've made that led me to this spot in life. I ached and bruised my own thoughts until I realized I had to surrender through the times in my life right now to not become a curmudgeon over past mistakes. I stop thinking after about ten seconds and began to surrender and prayed to God about myself and what it was that I went through. The thoughts of how I didn't choose to be in my job (if I had a choice) and the thoughts of how I wish I was married and had children. All those thoughts, I surrendered them to God.
I, never in a million years, thought I would be working retail at pushing 50 and earning what I'm earning now while single. I thought I would have a family and became a working mom, and a dog. The dog part came through and I have the sweetest companion, Mimi, with me, but everything else fell out of control and it would be most far fetched situation at this age. My eyes moistened at the thought of those who hates me, and their laughter knowing that I'm struggling to make ends meet and single and no prospects for love. But, today I met a couple who met in their sixties, and they told me that it wasn't their choice to have things this way at all either. They both had divorced and met each other through chance, not through friends, but through online dating. They suggested to me to go online, when I am ready and when I am done with caring for my Mom, and things settled down.
"It's never what we expect, life has its own game with God," said the husband.
"Don't underestimate fate and surrendering to the God. The things that could happen in your life, ... miracles do happen," said the wife.
After all these times, I thought that it would take a miracle for me to meet someone and let alone marry him. Some friends even suggested that I should just start online dating now, but my Mom takes precedence right now and I hardly have time for myself. I thought to myself, "I was so pretty when I was young, and now I feel just older and not as vibrant, but I'm wiser. I hope I am still attractive to someone,"
The thoughts kept persisting and so I decided to take myself out for some iced tea for lunch during work, and that took my mind away from it for a moment. Chances are, I would have to go online to meet someone in the future, but would I be too old for it? I won't know unless I try, and I decided that I would wait it out, and help my Mom first then put myself after her. It's been a tough journey with my Mom and she has been sick all of my life since I was young, so I know that I will be in it for the long haul. But, she is worth it.
When I'm tired, my Mom always offered to massage my feet, and cook something. She's always cooking because that is her craft hobby. She loves to cut onions, garlic and cilantros to save for a later date. I took after her habits and I would peel garlic and onions for her, and even blend candle nuts to bits for cooking. We would go to the grocery store and call it a day trip. We hover over vegetables and pick the freshest and healthiest ones at H-Mart. We go to the Korean restaurant in H-Mart and have lunch there. We have fun together, and I'm content and happy that I chose her over online dating right now.
I know I will end up an old maid and there are some stressful thoughts in the vestiges of my mind about haters...again. But, I am getting better at keeping those away and help myself through surrendering each moment to God. If it's anything I learned today was that I became a stronger person and more of a God follower than the stubborn self that I was almost forty years ago. I learned that things could take a turn and as the woman who married in her sixties said, Miracles Do Happen.
#JustWrite.