Diana Kurniawan

Sometimes I fear the dark. The constant blackness and void of contour for my opened eyes while needing aid for my sight. Reminded me of the blurry vision from the suffocation and the forceful push to my jaw that silenced me. At night I hid under the soft cotton sheets and blankets suffused in fear as it shook my legs and torso. When I cried, I placed my arms in front of my face afraid of any sounds I would make that would awaken my Mom and might cause her anxiety. Sometimes I fear the dark.

 

I projected my life over and over, hoping for a different vision. Afraid that by 50 or 60, I would see another month or two in the hospital, waiting in the pill line for medication only to find myself indolent for the rest of my life. Living institutionalized because I was my enemy's greatest threat for my mere existence and my love for language. I cycled back to the start of the visionary board and sketched another scene in complete opposite of my fears. I projected my life over and over, this time truly with a different vision. I was happily married with a loving husband and a boy or a girl with us, having breakfast of waffles with strawberries jam spread. Again, I projected my life over and over, hoping for a different vision, and this time with a different concept. Nothing expected or hoped manifested, but I surrendered to the unknown, in stability and peace, living with constant prayers. 

 

Prayers kept me alive during all of those times aforementioned. Not because everything I prayed happened, but for every prayer, I exhaled a breath of fresh air to begin again with more acceptance. Although some prayers felt the same and the struggles felt the same, I kept doing so for the spirit of endurance and stamina for life. Dear God letters written out and Psalms out of the heart in millions of pages I could attest to, because I saw life as a faithful journey. Prayers kept me alive during all those times aforementioned.  

 

Who was I to foretell the future? The greatest plan ever might unfold, and I might own a puppy too. What adventures would I prevent by fearing the future? The professing of my faith would benefit more without tears. Wonderful and blissful romance might grace my life in the future, but it won't be fully beautiful if I still feared the dark. Moon and stars harmonized in the dark would serve me better as a reminder than the fears of clenched jaw. I will keep trying to be, to live, to stay, because...who was I to foretell the future?

 

Just write.

"What do you mean you want to record him? He's coming in 30 minute," said Rambo. There were less than a hundred people there as was expected since Giuseppe Baptiste and Pearsons Rickfield weren't the icons the Denverites admired. They were sorted as tyrannical despots people disliked and the countrymen and women abide by the rules because they didn't want to be taxed higher than the current rate. Everyone was afraid of The New Order Regime, and with the Black Mollies who took over the shops and transformed half of Colfax into fish stores, the guerilla warfare, and Choi Militia, their political group became too savaged to admire.

 

"He's going to play the violin in the center lawn, so we can use the violin time to record but don't stop the camera and get him to talk to us afterwards," I said. "It's the only we can do it, and if we can get close enough to him, introduce him to Karina."

 

"I just want to meet them, and ask them why they used violence to take over the world," said Karina.

 

We stood in front of the lawn at Capitol Hill, and it was 7 in the morning. Rambo hardly slept, and I didn't sleep at all. Karina slept but the babies woke her up in the middle of the night, and they were with my Father now.  He will come closer to the start of the recital, hoping we would be close enough to have a face to face conversation with Pearsons Rickfield and Giuseppe Baptiste.

 

Karina was scared as she kept biting her nails and kept looking around the lawn. She suddenly said, "I miss my twins," as she began to tear apart. "I'm worried I would be killed by their men who recognized me."

 

"Don't worry, we're here, and we won't let you face them alone," I told Karina.

 

"We're unarmed and we just wanted to meet him and we can say that we were huge fans," said Rambo. "Then we can begin to ask questions about their past, and why they decided to use violence to enforce a worldwide militia."

 

"It won't be friendly," said Karina. "I will be shot."

 

"You won't," said Rambo. "We will bring Boris and Betina with us. They will be our helper."

 

"Using my twins as bait?" asked Karina. "They were illegitimate children, but they deserved more than that."

 

My Father arrived after a long walk with a stroller for the twins to be comfortable. "Did the performance start?" my Father asked.

 

"Not yet, they will arrive soon. There aren't many people around," said Rambo.

 

"But it looks like there are about fifty people here, some sitting on the greens. Not too bad. It's not like other countries where they are really crazy about Giuseppe Baptiste," said my Father.

 

The clouds covered the sun and the crowd on the greens stood up as the limo for Baptiste arrived close to the sidewalk.

 

"Here they are," said Rambo.

 

Just write.