My feet had red welts yesterday and my bones were sore. I worked my shift and was part angry for the work, and part grateful for the employment. I felt lesser than with my life, with my dual degree and manual labor job, but my mental health and the assaults prevented me from truly being efficient with a desk job, therefore, so be it. Writing was in my mind the whole time and I couldn't write yesterday because I was so tired, and I felt guilty.
Madeleine Engle once wrote that worship of the craft of writing should be done rain or shine and labor or pain. Those weren't her exact words, but I believe everyone understood that during tired days, it would be the perfect time to worship the craft because the mind works best under the pressure. Well...yesterday, I was sore and cried beyond belief of the pain and the anxiety nearly led me to another suicidal ideation. I was hurting and I couldn't do anything and I fell asleep after the Valerian kicked in. It was to my benefit to sleep and my mind was ready to go into a dream filled slumber. My mind wouldn't have worked properly to compose any sentences right for reading.
Where should I draw the line? Should I write everyday, even when my bones hurt? I plead to God to give me another choice than write during times like these. To relax for instance and to take a break. I felt I was allowed one, but today, the same thing almost happened but I didn't give in to the pains, instead I wrote, and here was I, typing aways for my 15 minutes of writing, without stopping. The only difference between today and yesterday were the tears and the mental health. I was so tired that I was crying and couldn't compose anything, but today, I was calm, and even now....I am okay.
Sometimes I have to give in to the fact that I wrote my writing with the flaw of my mental health, but what writer isn't? Everyone has some sort of mental health issue, and I won't let that get the best of me. Yet, yesterday, I felt the pains of my hard work and I took the time to rest. It felt right and I was happy I did it. But, from now on...rain or shine, labors of pain, won't stop me. I promised Madeleine when I took the oath of writing. I promised to use my craft to the best of my ability, and to keep going, even when the going gets tough and I had no way out. I promised myself to keep worshipping God through my craft and skills, even when there would be no one else but me to enjoy my own writing. I knew when I wanted to become a writer, this journey would be a very tough and long road.
I will keep going, and no matter what, with a job was better than without one.
Just write.